 |
Further
Reading ...
|
|
Boating Safety
AIC Insurance Agency advises boaters to take necessary precautions to be safe during the summer season, the time of year when boat accident claims increase in frequency by 45 percent, according to a recent analysis of claims incidence at Travelers,...
The Magic Of Gift Giving At Christmas
Regardless of age, almost everyone can remember at least a few magic moments of their past at Christmas time. Even in our fifties and sixties, we can still very precisely recall how our parents celebrated Christmas. Those moments will never be...
Thanks to my Father for my Life Teachings
Thanks to my Father for my Life Teachings To my father, James Thomas McKinney in celebration of his 80th birthday, January 12, 2005 For your 80th birthday, and for that matter, many of them, I have pondered what to get you…. a man of few needs or...
Saving Memories of Your Children
A few years ago, my three-year-old son and I settled in for the last stage of his good night routine. It had been a good day for him, he had been very active and had spent a great deal of time in the sand and in the water. Right now he was tired,...
|
|
|
Translating What Men Do
|
 |
Written By:
Michael Myerscough
|
|
|
Introduction
The article below contains a few sweeping generalisations within it that hold true
in most cases. I wouldn’t for a moment claim that all men or women act out a
particular gender role, I would however say that some assumptions can be very
useful. This article has already changed lives, my editors understanding of men
improved and she quickly eliminated one of the biggest mistakes she was
making around the men in her life. I hope you enjoy it, let me know.
For those of you that wonder, we will be getting to the mistakes that men make
around women in the near future.
Men for Beginners
One of the roles I seem to find myself in is translator. I often end up in
conversations with my female coaching clients about what does it mean when
my partner….disappears into the garage for the evening?….watches three
movies back to back?….drinks all night with his friends?
It means he’s unhappy.
Men are different from women; I’ve resisted this truth for so many years I can’t
tell you. We do things differently, particularly around the area of feelings. Men
are trained to be ashamed of their feelings from a very early age. We learn
quickly that tears are not something we shed if we have any other option. We
know that big boys don’t cry, and that message started very early for us. We are
often shamed publicly for crying and shame is something we resist feeling at any
cost.
Have you ever noticed that there isn’t a clearly defined male character in
society? In some way, we invest most of our energy in NOT acting like a
woman. Men have no idea how to get along with each other and our male
intimacy often comes about by punching each other in the arm and other types
of play fighting.
Take the example of holding hands. We don’t stop holding hands because we
don’t like our friends. We stop holding hands because someone made it unsafe
to do so. Just like the tears in public, male friends holding hands is subject to
ridicule, harassment, and more of the dreaded public shaming.
One theory suggests men are not allowed to have feelings because if they did
they might become sensitive to the fact that killing other men is unacceptable.
We’ve been trained from the moment we could observe that if a war happens,
we must be willing to get out there and defend our women and children. That’s a
heavy load to bear and it does interfere with our ability to be sensitive.
We even process feelings differently, as overt feelings make us vulnerable.
Sometimes men get so numb they don’t even know they are having a feeling. - continued below ...
|
|
|
continued ...
If
you’ve ever read any books about the actuality of war, you’ll realize this is an
essential skill for men to master. Many of us process feelings outside ourselves
because it is safer that way. Watching a movie, where the emotion is at a
distance, is one way of processing feelings externally. Another is to tinker
around in the garage…because it’s also safe.
My understanding is that we only disappear into our cave when we feel unsafe.
The problem is that generally when a man lets his defenses down, the first thing
he feels is anger or frustration because these are the safest emotions for us. At
this point, the woman stops listening or fights back and once again man learns
feelings are not a good idea.
If a woman really wants a man that can feel and communicate his feelings, she
needs to be his guide. Women have the luxury of being allowed intimate female
friends and the upper edge when it comes to empathy and compassion. When
women re-entered the workforce, some men were only too happy to mentor them
into management positions. I’d encourage you to mentor your man through the
process of emotions. The easiest way to do this is through a process that Taylor
and McGee refer to as Deep Listening in their book “The New Couple”. It’s very
easy and surprisingly powerful.
Set aside 20 minutes and agree that you are each going to take ten minutes to
talk about your lives. When it’s your turn to talk, you can discuss anything and
everything on your mind. When it’s your turn to listen, you must actively listen.
This means no grunts, no head nods, and no interruptions. Ideally, you just look
at the speaker with ‘soft eyes’. It is important that both parties take ten minutes
because you are building a safe space. There is no set agenda and it’s not a
place to air grievances between the two of you. It’s a space to open up to each
other.
You will discover new things about your partner during deep listening sessions.
Don’t expect anything too dramatic. Just remember after 15 years of therapy, I
still rarely cry ‘like a girl’ and it’s my sincere belief that our kidneys just process
liquid differently.
About the Author
© Copyright 2003 by Michael Myerscough ‘The Great Sex Coach’. All Rights
Reserved. May be freely copied and distributed as long as you include the
following information: "By Michael Myerscough, professional speaker and
relationship success coach. Michael has lots of great tips, tools and articles on
his website that you can use. Visit him at www.thegreatsexcoach.com and sign
up for his free newsletter.
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
| _Additional Resources ... |
|
The Scoop on Giving Your Baby Juice
Many moms like to think that as soon as their baby turns 6 months of age, they should start giving them juice. But this couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, juice is NOT necessary for an infant. Here's why: - Because of the sugars in juice,...
Negotiating Rates with Your Credit Card Company
Ok, let’s face it, everybody hates high credit card rates, and they drain hard earned money out of your wallet. As a valued consumer, it is apparent that you learn how to negotiate to get the absolute best rate that you possibly can. The good...
Autism: What Causes It, And Can It Be Cured?
Autism is a disorder that is affecting more and more children. But many autistic children have been able to lead normal lives.
Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterised by abnormal social interaction, communication...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
