Parenting

• Often, it is the unresolved trauma or early needs in the parents or caregivers that set up the behaviour and feelings of the child, so an absolutely necessary first step is for the caregiver to acknowledge and begin to deal with their own unresolved unconscious processes and reactivity.
  

• The main thing that children need is to be genuinely liked and delighted-in. They instinctively know your feelings about them. Parents need to arrange their lives so that they have enough opportunity to feel and express delight in their children.
  

  Children have a primary need to be played with, and talked to, with actual connection, imagination to imagination - eg, on the floor, both delighting in the building and toppling of the blocks!
  

  The imagination connection has to be real - kids know! It’s as real a need as food.
  

• The second most important thing is that the parent’s relationship is the priority – not the children. The children need the parents to be the priority as well, as this gives them stability, security and example.
  

• There is no such thing as "naughty" - there is always a reason for crying and "misbehaving".
  

• How you want your child to be, you need to be yourself – there is no avoiding this, children are acutely aware of hypocrisy and "natural" justice. Be honest about yourself with them – you don’t have to be “perfect”, just honest.
  

• If children are considered as an inhibition on your "lifestyle", there will be problems - they love to be included in what you do (exclusion is very damaging).
  

  It takes much less effort overall, to actually pay real attention to, and to play with children on a genuine level, than to have them continually whining, crying, sulking and demanding.
  

• Be consistent and sparing with commands and discipline – a continual barrage of un-enforced, or inconsistently, enforced "don’ts" just makes children switch off to what you say. (This can be very dangerous, when an especially important "don't" comes along).
  

  It is very important to consistently apply previously stated consequences to any inappropriate behaviour.
  

  It is also very important that rules are fair and adhered to by the parents as well.
  

• Fairness is very important. Real, and/or perceived unfairness is probably the main trigger of conflict (even with adults).
  

• Give children definite, fair, and un-hypocritical limits that are socially acceptable, and as free as possible.
  

  Your children want your respect and approval, so "discipline" them by withdrawing yourself from them - only for as long as the socially unacceptable behaviour continues. The only - continued below ...